Attachment Centered Therapy Manchester, London and Guildford
I am Charley Shults and I have been practicing counselling and psychotherapy since 1987. I provide:
Addiction Counselling Manchester
Relationship Counselling Manchester
Family Therapy Manchester
Attachment Centred Therapy Manchester
I provide these at Hampden House Psychotherapy Centre in Manchester as well as 10 Harley Street in London.
Healing The Broken Bond:Is a book that I am working on and I will be posting regular excerpts from the book online. Further below is the introduction to the book.
Since you are here, you probably have an interest in attachment and what it is about. There are 3 basic strategies, A, B, and C, that, in broad terms, determine how you relate to those closest to you.
A’s tend to deny their own needs and feelings and are pre-occupied with meeting the needs of others. They rely primarily on facts in processing information, to the exclusion of emotional information, particularly negative emotions.
C’s tend to dismiss the needs and feelings of others and are pre-occupied with their own. They rely primarily on their own emotional state in processing information.
B’s use a balance of both facts and feelings in processing information about relationships.
I have created 3 sayings, one for each category, that are designed to help them to reprogram, except for the B’s who don’t really need much help and rarely show up in a therapy office.
For A’s: Logically, it makes sense to be more emotional.
For C’s: Emotionally, it feels good to be more logical.
For B’s: I am comfortable using both facts and feelings in making choices in relationships.
Attachment Centered Therapy Manchester and London:
As a part of my work with individuals, couples and families I provide
Relationship Counselling Manchester
Addiction Counselling Manchester
Family Therapy Manchester
as well as providing these services in London.
These are offered either separately or as an integral part of Attachment Centred Therapy, since I find that difficulties in these areas almost always spring from attachment difficulties. I also find that this work has a global effect, so that those clients who do this work experience changes in all areas of their life's functioning.
Relationship Counselling Manchester and London: Over decades of working with clients, and training in many areas of specialisation, I am convinced that the problems that most people present in therapy settings grow out of difficulties in their attachment relationships. These attachment experiences determine how we relate to other people in our lives, particularly those most close to us, and also how we deal with the difficulties that life presents us. I believe that by correcting these difficulties with attachment people are enabled to make the changes that they want to make and do the things that they know they need to do. My experience tells me that this is so.
Family Therapy Manchester and London: I also use an attachment based approach for working with families. Family work can be done with an entire family, or with different configurations of people from the family.
Addiction Counselling Manchester and London: I believe that most addictive disorders are due to attachment difficulties that result in unmet needs and feelings not being dealt with in an effective manner. The addictive disordered behavior develops because it is a vain attempt to meet unmet needs. While the addictive behavior provides the illusion of making things better by making the negative feelings that come from unmet needs go away, this is only temporary and so those unmet needs come back stronger than before, often leading to an escalation of the addictive behavior.
Attachment difficulties lead to other common problems, such as:
My practice for Attachment Centered Therapy, Addiction Counselling, and Relationship Counselling is in Manchester and London. My Manchester practice is within easy reach of Cheshire. I also have offices available in London, Harley Street.
Thank you for the work you are doing for me and for Isabella*. To my surprise she has told me about her "compulsive self reliance" and even read to me some data from the website you have kindly advised to look at.... I see this... as a big step forward in her life for which I am grateful to you. We are so lucky to have a professional person like you!
Sent from my iPad
Healing the Broken Bond: how attachment difficulties creates problems and what to do about it.
This is a book about information processing. I am giving you information right now, and you are processing it. You are already, in the depths of your mind and to some extent in your consciousness, forming thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about what I am saying. In the here and now, it will be causing your mind to reach into the past to perhaps construct memories of events in the past that involve information processing, and based on that information, it is also perhaps creating in your imagination ideas about how you might be able to use this information in the future. You are also perhaps trying to decide whether you want to buy this book, or, if you have already bought it, whether or not you made a wise decision. If you have already bought it, you have. If you are deciding whether or not to buy it, then do. I am first and foremost a salesman – perhaps the second oldest profession.
I am proud and happy to be a salesman. I have made a good living doing it, and I have helped lots of people, some of whose stories you will learn about in this book. I sell the ideas in this book to my clients, and I sell my services in helping my clients learn to use these techniques for the benefit of themselves, those they love, and those they serve. I have made a sale each time a client reschedules for another session with me. They come back and pay me because they know that they are receiving value for their money. You will too, for having bought this book and using the techniques described within it. Whether you are a person who wants to know more about how we humans function, or someone seeking help, either self-help or a therapist to assist you, or whether you are a therapist who wants to know how to better help your clients, this book is for you. Or perhaps there are other interests you might have in buying this book. If you do, you will find that I am trying to sell you on the ideas in it.
In it we will discuss how to process information without distortions or deletions. Information comes to us, primarily, through facts and feelings. Those using mostly a B strategy will process the information in a balanced manner and make decisions based on this processing. Those using an A strategy will delete and distort information that has negative feelings attached to it. They will blame themselves for things that have gone wrong. Those using a C strategy will delete or distort information that has facts attached to it that doesn’t fit with their feelings. They blame others for things that have gone wrong. That is the gist of it.
Those strategies, A, B, and C, are the three strategies identified by Mary Ainsworth in her work validating John Bowlby’s paradigm shifting attachment theory that explains how humans behave in close personal relationships, or ‘attachment relationships.’ This may also be generalized into how they behave in other areas of their lives to varying degrees. This varies because, as we mature, we develop other strategies for dealing with relatives who are not attachment figures, such as siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins, and grandparents. Some of these may overlap into caregiving or attachment figure roles. We will also be developing strategies to deal with peers, friends, playmates, schoolmates, and other authority figures such as teachers, preachers, babysitters, doctors and others whom we may encounter. We will learn how to play on sports teams, debating teams, drama clubs, dance groups and so on. We will learn maths and sciences and languages and literature and how to do things, like calculating trajectories and marketing services and writing computer code and interior design. We will learn how to relate to bosses and co-workers, and employees. We will write plays and repair cars and stage extravaganzas. We will gain recognition for music and plays and in business. And all the while, our earliest attachment experiences with our caregivers which were formed by one year of age will be operating in the background, deep in our unconscious minds, to determine how we process all of this information coming our way. Because of this, some of us may not be so successful in accomplishing these tasks.
We may have difficulty cooperating with others, not being able to participate easily in group activities. We may find ourselves being exploited by others, or bullying others, or in conflict with authority. We may have difficult forming and maintaining intimate personal relationships. We may have ‘everything going for us’ but still feel discontent, dissatisfied with life. We may be having success which we then sabotage. Or we may be wildly successful or elevate ourselves to positions of high power, such as many world leaders we could name, and yet still be pathologically harmful to others.
Attachment does this by giving us information in 5 areas of our deep, inner belief systems. First is how we relate to ourselves. We may think ourselves inadequate, or capable of no wrong. We may dislike ourselves, hate ourselves, loathe ourselves. The lucky ones who had positive attachment experiences will feel good about themselves most of the time, and when things go wrong for themselves or those they love they will work constructively with others in order to correct them, learn from them, and go forward. For those who lack this capacity, these negative experiences will only confirm them more firmly into their dysfunctional beliefs about themselves. And others.
Which brings us to the second core area of our beliefs, and that is how we relate to others. We may have a positive belief, based on past experiences, of being able to relax and be ourselves with others, and know that they will accept us as we are. That’s the secure position. Should that not be the case, then secure people are able to take effective action to protect themselves, to correct the mistake, or to completely withdraw from the interaction if that seems to be the best course. But those with insecure attachment strategies, the A+ and C+ strategies, will fear that others will reject them if they reveal their true selves, again, based on their past attachment experiences. Others will be confident of total acceptance and be angry and hostile when they don’t get it. Or they believe that others can be controlled, cajoled, or coerced into meeting their needs. They are often successful in this endeavour, and that is what results in Donald Trump being elected president of the USA. Go figure.
The third area of belief is about the world at large, or our model of how the world works. This determines whether we see the world as our oyster or our obstacle. Is the world a strange and frightening place, or is it a garden of delights? Do you awaken in the morning with a sense of confidence and wellbeing, or do you dread what this day may bring? As one of my clients put it, ‘I awake each morning wondering what catastrophe I will have to deal with today.’ When I asked what catastrophes she had had to deal with in the past, she replied, ‘none.’ You will meet her later in this book, along with some other of my clients who have kindly and altruistically given me permission to use their stories in the telling of this story, of healing these broken bonds.
The fourth core area is how we then interact with this world, based on those three earlier core beliefs, and the techniques and strategies that we use in order to operate in this world and get our needs met. This depends on the coping skills that we have learned – or not – in our relations with our caregivers, and then later others in our lives. This affects the jobs we do, the careers we choose, how we find our place in the world. Some of us believe that if we do a good job, we will be rewarded. Others believe that nothing is ever good enough. Others feel underappreciated for the work they do and the services they perform. Some become disillusioned, resentful and bitter. Others become compassionate, caring, and altruistic. And this leads us to our fifth area, how we choose to nurture ourselves and others.
This fifth level of belief determines what we need to do in order to care for ourselves and others. Thus someone may choose to eat excessive amounts of ‘comfort foods,’ consisting mostly of white flour and white sugar, in our to meet their needs. These comfort foods give the brain the biochemical message, ‘this feels good and everything is going to be alright’ – the same message given by alcohol and narcotics. Thus a mother may stuff herself and her children with comfort foods in her way of nurturing herself and others, continuing a pattern begun by her mother, and her mother before that and …. Or a father may have struggled against the poverty and material deprivation into which he was born, and believe that the best, and perhaps the only way he knows, of nurturing his children, is by heaping loads of money on them – usually in return for the right to tell them what to do and how to do it – after all, father knows best.
While these beliefs and the attachment strategies that support them are often altered by circumstances that have nothing to do with our attachment figures, how we are affected by them, and how we respond to them, and what we take away from those experiences as learnings about ourselves, about others, about our model of the world, how to operate in it, and how to nurture ourselves and others, is always being processed through our perceptual filters that are buried deep within our consciousness, so that what we observe when we react to events is the end product or our mind’s processing. It is only through self-examination, as in therapy or meditation, that we can begin to bring those processes into awareness.
If you are thinking, as well you might, that these three simple concepts of A, B, and C strategies are insufficient to explain the complexities of human behaviour, please consider that all of chemistry is based on the interaction of three different basic particles: electrons, protons, and nuetrons, and all of the color palette can be created by combinations of red, green and blue. And as with these other methods, how these three basic elements combine and create effects is a part of processes that are influenced by other phenomena. But without these elements, there is nothing to interact.